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January 28, 2008
Just finished watching the Screen Actors Guild Awards with my father. Happy for Tina Fey. Funny, I have the same gown at home. Same color, black. I've just never worn it. Now I never can wear it. And if I did decide to wear it to some event, I would be forever compared. It would probably be in an issue of US weekly in that section where they show two different people wearing the same dress, and they are voted who wears the same outfit the best. And even though I would probably get at least a 65%, which would beat her, it still doesn’t matter. I still can’t wear it. Thanks a lot Tina. That was a big waste of money. I could have used that money and bought like 80 copies of all the seasons of Lost. Or better yet, bought like 4 Louis Vuitton wallets. Or an 8-month supply of Red Bull. But it doesn’t matter now.
Anyway….. Ever since I was a kid, it’s been traditional for my dad and I to watch the big award show together. Oscars, Golden Globes, Grammys, MTV Movie and Music Awards, etc. It’s always been my favorite father/son bachelor bonding activities. You see, we were never the father/son to get together and watch “The Game.” I don’t mean the movie, “The Game,” but the sports event “game.” Doy. Wow, I haven’t said “Doy” in a long time. That actually felt really good to say. It’s been a long time. Doy. I remember that I use to say that word a lot. Doy. All right, now it’s annoying. Wait. Doy. Now for some reason it’s not annoying any more. Doy. Now it’s annoying.
Neither of us were ever that sports inclined, my dad and I. I mean I was definitely more physically active then my father ever was. But I was never on a team. Growing up in Mt. Baldy as a kid, yes, Mt. Baldy is a mountain! Sorry, I didn’t mean to yell. I learned to be very coordinated and agile by doing natural activities such as climbing up mountains, hopping rock to rock across streams, swinging on ropes, (there was one rope we swung on, truly. It was tied to a tree branch, I remember.) I was kind of like a “Mowgli” in Jungle Book except I had tennis shoes. But they weren’t very good. The traction was worn out so it’s almost the same as barefoot! Sorry, I yelled again. I shouldn’t write after my morning protein juice.
I was never really on a team of any kind. Okay…. actually I was, once. But I was terrible. Maybe entertaining to watch, but terrible for the team. Back in grade school, when I went to Mt. Baldy School, the school only had about 80 kids. Kindergarten through 8th. I’m sure that’s the only reason why I was even picked to be on the team. We were on a mountain! I wasn’t raised in the streets! I was raised on a mountain!
Believe it or not, I was actually on a basketball team. And yes, our school was very small, as I stated earlier, it was a school of about 80 kids, and that’s how I even got on a team, but that’s beside the point.
So, my story is…. I’m on the basketball team; we are playing some team of other 7th graders. I think it was Redlands. This is southern California. Anyway, I leave the bench or whatever it is your sitting on when you’re watching the game and not playing because the coach hasn’t called you in, probably because you suck. So I ask the coach if I can go to the bathroom, probably because I‘ve been sitting for so long.
I come back, and surprisingly the coach calls me in. Very exciting. I’m very nervous. Very excited and nervous. Save it for the game! So I start playing. Out of nowhere, I get the ball. Wow. What do I do with it? Well, obviously I put it in the basket. I look around holding the basketball with the feeling - that same feeling that Indiana Jones had when he finally got one of the glowing rocks in his hand from the Temple of Doom - I know that’s a bit vague but follow. So about three yards away from me is the basket, and nobody is near it. How can this be? Don’t ask, just do it. Like that Nike slogan. Just DO It! So I did. I attempt to get the ball into the basket. Around me I hear cheering. At least it seems like cheering. But I’m in my head. I’m Indiana Jones. I really don’t know if they are cheering, but to me they are.
Finally after, four or eight tries of getting the ball into the basket, and for whatever reason nobody's around me, I get it in. I’m the hero. I scored, big time. Wait…. Oh. Yeah. Apparently while I was in the bathroom, they switched sides. As they do in basketball. I scored for the other team. I SCORED FOR THE OTHER TEAM!!!
Let me go back to my initial thought. Where was I? Yes. My dad and I watching the award shows. Anyway…
Except for that ill-fated basketball team, I wasn’t very sports inclined. I would, however, swim. You know a sport where you’re not on a team. You see, my dad never brought me to the game; instead he would share his thoughts on the latest self-help book he’s reading.
We would watch these award shows and comment on them, usually poking fun and commenting on the speeches, or why the camera cut to someone in the audience reacting in a funny way. The mistakes and embarrassing things that happened to people. You know, the memorable moments. We would laugh so much.
I think I’ve always enjoyed watching award shows and commenting on them. Especially when you’re with other funny people. Sometimes our commenting on the events would be so funny that it would become game of quick wit. Not really a game, just a continuous non-stop round of funny commentary. It was actually a great way to verbally brainstorm funny ideas.
I remember having a few small gatherings at my apartment in NY when I was on SNL. I would invite SNLers over to watch the Grammys or the Oscars, those shows that I would watch with my dad. One time I had Jimmy, Maya, Tina, Rachel, Parnell, Molly and a couple others from SNL. We would just rattle off some of the funniest comments ever thought to mind. Pure genius. And when you’re amongst some of the brightest, quickest people in comedy, that’s what happens. I wish I had a tape of us commenting on the award shows. Fricken’ hilarious. So fun.
Okay…
Okay, and now I’m going to begin a new portion of my journal where I just list things that I recently saw, enjoyed, not enjoyed, things I liked or disliked, thoughts, etc.
My favorite movie of the year… “There Will Be Blood.”
Already enjoying the new American Idol. Love the ladies form Miami.
I’m enjoying watching politics for once. Very exciting. Mostly because our choices are two very smart people and not complete idiots.
Favorite new book….. “Born Standing Up.” Steve Martin. So well written and honest, Great for anyone who has a goal or a dream and needs to hear the pitfalls and disappointments on the way to the top.
I’m very upset about Heath Ledger. I know it sounds typical but it really does happen to the best ones. He was brilliant and real. I loved Daniel Day-Lewis' acceptance speech dedicated to Ledger on the Globes.
He will be missed.
Till the next Journal entry.
Adios
June 28, 2007
Look out everybody. Get ready to kick off your Sunday shoes. It’s my
journal entry for June 28th 2007. Woo hooo!
Remember that lyric from that old Elton John disco song “Don’t Go Breaking My
Heart” that goes…. “Woo hoo. Nobody knows it!” Cause when I was down, I was
your clown.” Sorry Elton, not the best writing. Great song, I kind of like
the Woo hoo part but definitely not the clown, down part. Yipes.
First off. “Knocked Up.” Best comedy I’ve seen in years. So fricken’ funny
and charmingly sentimental. Judd Apatow is a brilliant writer and a brilliant director. Brilliant
writer for writing an incredibly human film from a comedic perspective with
being more human and real than most films that are not even comedies. A
brilliant director for getting “real” people that are naturally funny and
allowing them to have incredible chemistry and capturing it and then editing it
perfectly make a great film. And Judd Apatow’s wife, Leslie Mann, who plays
Kathryn Heigl’s best friend is AWESOME!!
Second off, is that right? Second off? No, I don’t know. But I just said
it, and I’m not gonna press my “delete” key, so there.
Second off, yep new paragraph… what if I never really wrote anything and just
kept writing down what I’m doing and not saying? Wouldn’t that be funny? No.
Fine. Whatever, dude. Yeah. I said whatever dude. Ya heard me.
Second, off, I just got back from Canada, you know, that place where they
never fight and always say “I’m sorry” for no reason and they never fight anyway so there’s no reason to apologize in the first place and
many great comedians originate from? I finished a film up there that shot in
Edmonton, Alberta. I had a great time making the movie but especially a great
time in that city. Great people and……… great people. It’s called “Xmas in
Wonderland” and assuming it will be out this Xmas? What if it were next Spring?
That would be bad. Or at least awkward.
Third off, I got a colonic today, I’m joking. I never had a colonic. But I
did see a Coca-Cola commercial at the movies, you know how they show those
annoying ads before the trailers start at the theater? I hate that! I don’t
think there’s one person in this world that enjoys watching those before a movie
except for maybe someone who has never gone to the movies, ever! Anyway, the
Coca-Cola add. It was a shot of a can of Coke being poured into a glass with 2
scoops of vanilla ice cream in it and as it was being poured into the glass I
said “Hey, that looks like a colonic.” Now, I don’t know what a colonic looks like but I hear when you get it
you can see what’s coming out.
Sorry. I’m changing the subject now.
The Police. I saw them last Saturday at Dodger Stadium in LA. Great show.
They bicker too between songs like old ladies. It’s hilarious. The drummer was
whining about what Sting is saying to the audience when poor Sting has to keep
the audience going when it comes to the talking portion of the concert. Very
entertaining.
Woo. I just typed that all in one breath.
Well, I’m gonna stop now. I’m working on a bunch of stuff, stuff you will
all get to see me in that I will soon tell you about or you will hear about and
then I’ll tell you about it later. Or explain why I did it. That last sentence,
by the way, is called self-deprecation. Charming right? I like to think
so.
February 09, 2007
Hi everybody. Yeah. I know, I know. What? Yeah, I know…. totally. Ha,
ha, ha! What? Yeah. And now that we got the small talk out of the way….
Well it’s February, and for those who don’t know, that is…? That’s
right. That it is the second month of the year. Nice. And so much has
happened. Not just to me, but lots of people. Christmas happened. New Years
Eve. That girl in Dreamgirls got nominated. That Astronaut lady that wore
diapers for 900 miles of driving to go kill a girlfriend of another astronaut. That happened. Don’t you think
that if they did a film based on that story that Helen Hunt should play her?
Maybe not. So much has happened. That’s pretty much it. No, wait, hold on.
I got engaged. Crazy, huh?
So, I did the whole formulaic proposal thing. I asked her the big question,
She got a little misty in the eyes and said “No.” Then I said, “Aaah, come on
bro. Please? Then she said, “Did you just call me bro?” And I said, “Yeah,
you know it brohams.” She said, “Well…” And I waited. Then after a few
minutes I said, “Hey. It’s me bro!” She replied, “Okay.” So then…. we done did
it.
So, I put on my very expensive Dr. Scholl cowboy boots, my lucky 5 gallon
cowboy hat with an arrow stuck in it from the last big bar saloon brawl fight I
was just recently in, (to be read in the next journal) threw her over my massive
and awesome shoulder, (the left one is much more massive than the right one)
grabbed my cell phone, hopped onto my pony “Gladys.” (Yes, that’s her name! Don’t laugh or I will slap
you with silly with a nasty and rude IM.) And off we road into the Sunset.
Sunset Blvd. that is to the nearest Starbucks. But still, pretty romantic.
All right, fine. None of that happened. Except for the part of her
saying “Yes.” And the incident that happened with the astronaut lady definitely
happened. Watch the news. And that attractive African american girl
contestant on American Idol that got a second chance after she was told her she
needs to work on her facial expressions because it takes away from her singing.
That’s true too.
Well, I gotta go. The roast I'm cooking in my microwave is almost done and
I gotta eat it. Take care everyone.
Hugs and kisses,
Chris
October 19, 2006
Hi everybody, everybody!
Well, its October 19th and that means today is my birthday. I know, settle
down everybody. Im 22. Can you believe it?! No, Im joking, Im 81. Thank
you. I do look great, I know. You know what the secret is? I drink lots and
lots of soup. And I sing a lot. Dont ask me why or when that book of mine is
coming out, just trust me.
Now back to my birthday and it falling on this lovely Thursday (not my plan,
it just happened, I swear). Well you know what this means most schools, post
offices, banks and dentist offices, unfortunately, will still be open even though it is my
birthday... it should be a major holiday.
Now, those who want to acknowledge this as the holiday it should be, please,
feel free. You dont have to go to the bank. You dont have to go to the dentist
even if you already have an appointment! Tooth pain really isnt a big deal.
And you know what? Dont mail that letter!! Sorry, I dont know why Im
yelling.
I just remembered a really cool benefit about birthdays. For one, that free
meal you get at Dennys. I dont know if they still have it, but if you go in on
your birthday and show your ID, you get a free meal. Its fantastic.
By the way, my two favorite words right now are fantastic and everybody.
Actually, its always been everybody, but Im starting to really enjoy
fantastic.
I wonder if you get in a car accident on your birthday, if they'd be lenient
towards you because theyd feel bad since its your birthday? I think Ill go find
out ahhhhhh. Im joking. Gotcha. But, then again, that would be fantastic everybody,
everybody.
There are other things going on in my life besides my birthday. No, Im
serious. Ive got a movie, Totally Awesome coming up on November 4th on VH1 at
9pm. The dude that directed and wrote The Dave Chappelle Show and the dude that
produces and writes on the new The Office wrote it. Id say their actual names,
but its cooler to say dude. The movie is super funny. No joke, truly really
funny. So check that out. Theres more good stuff coming up, but I will let you
all know when I know the exact dates.
My girlfriend Sunshine is down to the top 4 for Miss FHM of the year, which
is pretty exciting. In my opinion, shes by far the most attractive. Shes gotta
win. The only reason why I see her not winning, if there is that chance, is
that she may not look slutty enough. It really depends on the readers' choice.
She is by far the most beautiful and sexiest, but who knows whos really voting.
For all I know it could be a bunch of fifty year old pervs or a married lawyer dude
sitting on the toilet. Okay, now Ive gone too far. I apologize.
Well, Im going to wrap this Journal up by saying, its my birthday and I feel
exactly the same as I did an hour ago when it wasnt my birthday, except for one
little pinch of an attitude. Cause right now... Im looking in the mirror and I
look gooooood. Wait..hold on no, I look alright. Nevermind.
April 30, 2006
Yes. It's true. I havent written in my journal in a long time. So
therefore, I do apologize. Im sorry. To everyone, and I mean everyone Ive got
loads of sorries to tell you all. Enough to fill my pockets. Ya heard me!
Im sorry Betty in Portland. Sorry Kimberly in Encino, California. So sorry
Bobby and Dottie in Long Island. Lupita and Roland in Las Vegas, again, sorry.
The Dingle twins in Vancouver.. sorry. Robin and Conroy in Chicago, so so
sorry. Young Charlotte, the one that works at Blockbuster and just got fired
for stealing Goobers and Nerds in Atlanta, really very sorry. And of course
Tom Hanks, Dakota Fanning, Jesus Christ, my father and whoever ends up winning
American Idol sorry. Cute Pickle girl, sorry you got kicked off.
A lot has happened since I last wrote a journal entry. I have been busy
promoting Adam and Steve, the independent film I did with Parker Posey, who by
the way has a huge role in the upcoming Superman Returns. Super cool everybody.
The movie ended up getting nice reviews. Very cool.
Had fun on Regis and Kelly, Craig Fergusen, Weekend Update on SNL and Howard
Stern to name a few. Gotta say, ever since you can swear on Sirius radio, I've
never heard so many ways of people pooping and farting. So many different ones.
Very exciting.
I went to Hawaii for a week with my lady. I got really burned on my back one
day. So bad that I looked as red as a lobster. A couple times I took my shirt
off and did my best impression of Sebastian the crab from The Little Mermaid and
sang a couple bars from Under The Sea. It got some laughs. You should have
been there. I moved my hands like I had crab claws. You can imagine how
magical it was. Straight out of the Magic Kingdom I was.
Now that Im burned and relaxed... actually Im tan now, I'll get ready to
begin working on two films that I'm very excited about.
The first one is called Wanted: Undead or Alive. Its a cowboy movie with zombies. Hold on, its
sounds like, Whaaaaaaaat? I swear, its not.
Have you ever seen Shawn of the Dead? Its like that, but takes place in the
old west. Or another way to describe it is like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance
Kid but, instead of being followed by the law, we're being followed by zombies
that just cant seem to quit.
I also fall in love with an Indian. Yes, its comedy. Yeeeeshhh. Actually
an action/comedy.
James Denton plays the other cowboy, the plumber from Desperate Housewives.
But I get the Indian. Yee- Ha ha ha ha ha ha ! I start shooting the film in
a week in New Mexico. And yep, I took riding lessons. My butt hurts so bad as
I type. Could it be that my fingers are some how connected to my butt? With my
nerves and all, I bet they are.
The second film I will begin in the summer. Hint, its a Christmas movie.
They havent finished casting it so Im not gonna talk about it just yet. Alright I will.. no I wont. Wait. No. And yes, it is also a comedy.
Ive also been writing two different scripts for myself. One that looks like
may happen in the fall. We shall see. Weeeeeeeeeeeee. Its fun to hold down the
ees in Weeeee. Weeeeeeeeeeee. You can do it with any key on your keyboard
really. Great stress reliever.
Well, thats enough for now. Im flying off to New Mexico to be a tan
cowboy.
Thanks again to everybody for continuing your fan-manship, I guess you can
call it? Actually, dont that sounds stupid, sorry.
And, almost forgot, sorry to Ethel and Bernard in Iowa. And of course sorry
to Suri Cruise, I heard you just became a member. Congratulations little
one.
Hugs and kiss everybody, everybody.
Chris
November 10, 2005
Well its that time of year again. That time when I write in my journal about
me and then you guys either laugh or smirk or maybe even cry. Wait, dont cry.
Please dont cry. You know what? Actually go ahead and cry. You know what? Im
sorry, dont. Really dont. Stop crying. Im waiting for you to stop crying. Come
on now. Thanks. Okay
Wow. Its November already! Can you believe it?! At one point it was
September, then that dude October rolled around and now its November. Crazy
times everybody. So the last time I wrote in this ever popular journal I was in
Vancouver filming a movie. It was a blast. It was so much fun. I love playing different types of
characters in different projects. That way I can be normal at home. Although Im
told I dont come across all that normal at home so my point probably doesnt
really matter.
Im currently writing another pilot for my own television show that Fox is
producing. Very excited about the writers. Im also writing and producing. YES
ITS A DRAMA! No, its a comedy. Its based loosely on my real life and
relationship with my friends, father and girlfriend. I know hilarious, please
everyone, stop laughing at once. But seriously, I do promise it will be funny.
After that Im gonna do a voice of a Penguin thats hates being cold in a big
upcoming animated film starring Eva Longoria, Charlie Sheen, Hillary Duff and
other people that are famous and attractive. Attractive is always very important
in the animated world. Dont ever think it isnt. In fact most of the people who
did the voices of the Smurfs were hot! Scooby Doo, hot. Tom and Jerry, super hot. The voice of the school teacher that mumbled all the time in
The Peanuts cartoons that went Waa- wa- waaa- waaaa? Drop dead hot.
But the biggest experience I had in November was going to India. Yep the
country. You heard me. I went with my girlfriend for 21 one days. 22 hour
flight! Gotta love airplane movies. Saw Madagscar like three times. The movie.
Traveled from New Delhi to Udaipur to Jaipur to Rathembore to Agra to Varanase
back to New Delhi then back to home. It was not a relaxing vacation. It was
intense, beautiful and learned a heck of a lot.
My girlfriend threw me an incredible dinner near the Taj Mahal on my
birthday. I know settle. Saw monkeys, rode elephants, got mad at the trainer for
sticking the elephant behind the ear with a dull poker. I literally screamed at
him. Almost got in a fight I yelled Hey! Which is a great fighting word.
Especially when they have no idea what Hey means, or care. Rode camels. Saw
beautiful ceremonies done at the Ganges River in Varanase, the oldest and holiest living city in the world. 3000 B.C. is when it
began Vacancy.
Oh, I got sick. Got to throw up and poop. Loads of fun that was. Didnt drink
the water there. But forget that vegetables are washed with water. Saw a lot of
poverty. Temples. Saw where Buddha first taught. Buddha? Know him? I think hell
be on CSI:Miami next month. Not a bad actor. And took tons of photos. And bought
lots of cool things for Christmas gifts for friends back home. Like Opium. But I
joke.
Well, I think Im done writing for now. Until next journal entry. I hope
everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving. Dont eat Tofu turkey. It tastes like
crap. And have fun with your families. Remember, be nice to them, theyre the
ones that popped you out into this world so thank them.
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